You know what? Sometimes when I was reading all this stuff about depression and anxiety I was feeling like I was disabled. It's so uncool. If you know what I mean. It's like you are really sick, mentally sick and I had those experiences, where people (my ex-boyfriend, A., especially, fuck u, honey) who learnt that I have such problems were running away from me or were joking, or just didn't know what to fucking do. A., it's time for a little reminiscence now of our wonderful friendship/affair. Shit, what an idiot, an asshole etc. Some time ago he noticed I have those problems and well, to be honest, it became all much worse because of him. A person who is suffering from anxiety and depression needs to feel he/she is safe. And all you were doing was keeping me fucking unsafe. It was a real hell, sometimes. As Sartre said, "L'enfer, c'est les autres". I remeber once you were joking about me, when I was pulling something out of my bag, you said: Xanax again?, OMG I wanted to kill you then (yes, it was Xanax, for the record, and it was because of you, cause you were playing with me and at the same time sleeping with your ex-girlfriend, WTF, man?!).
People sometimes bring you down, cause they are down themselves. That was your case, and well, I really cared, I wanted to make you happy, wanted to help you, so WTF did I get in return for that? 6 horrible months on my own request, mixed with sleepless nights, Xanax treatments, getting back to antidepressants and crying myself to dehydration.
Funny is that you feel stronger when you help other people. Even if you feel weak. I really cannot admit that I am weak, even if that is true, it's just something that won't come out of my mouth. I wanna be strong, and I'm fighting everyday to be stronger and learn something new.
And you know what else? I noticed that when you think about people mentally sick, you get this image of them so... I don't know. All I want to say is that: look, I find myself a beautiful and intelligent 25 year old girl, I speak 4 languages, study at one of the best business schools in Europe, and I AM SICK. Unfortunately I AM SICK. And there are only 2 people in the world that understand and love me for who I am - my wonderful mom and my best friend M.
And by this blog I wanna share my everyday life experience with depression and anxiety (and pulling out hair of stress as well, which is really sad). But I wanna keep it light and funny, in a way, I wanna fight these demons by that. I may sound pathetic sometimes, but well, I hope it helps me and maybe someone else too. I really don't wanna put here stuff like "smile, life is so wonderful", when you are depressed it's the last thing you wanna hear. I want to say: it will pass. The days when you cannot get out of bed pass. The days when all you want to do is sit on the floor p, but you feel so anxious about that, and that you are not doing anything, and all those vicious circles, I know it all. And there are days when it's gone. There were only a few moments in my life, when I felt FREE and careless, but I really wanna feel that again. And I want to do everything to find peace. Peace is all I need and all I wish for people like me.
So:
Peace!
J.
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