I have a pain in my soul. I find it so bad I cannot lay, I cannot breathe normally. I feel guilty. I am scared. I am petrified that somebody will leave me. I am..

Am I?

I would have everything if not for this disease. 

I cannot find peace.

I cannot find peace. 

I cannot find peace. 

The emotions. 

I trust only them. 

And I should not. 

Tired

I am very tired. Of the emotions. Of these constant ups and downs. Of eating and eating and eating. I started overeating again. It's just really, really bad news. I am tired of not being able to do anything sometimes. I am tired of not being in control of my body and my emotions. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of people who don't understand me. I am tired of people in general. I am tired of this city. I am tired of

Everything now

But emotions are my number one. 

Fuck u, emotions. 

So many accoplishments, so much anxiety

So I did find an apartment in Paris. I did rent it. I did collect all of the annoying documents and I did fight against the red tape. I am winning. 

Still, I can't feel I am pride of myself. I did so many great stuff last 2 weeks, accomplished so much, yet all I can feel now is anxiety. I am in my bed, pulling out my hair. Why why why whyyyyy? God, it's so tiring..

Other blogs

OMG I just looked through some other blogs about depression and anxiety, OMG, no no no, it's so... Depressing. 

Shit, I'm not like that. 

It took me a while to admit that I have a problem, I agree. No, ok, I still don't want to admit that. Me? This blonde, young, healthy girl, who has everything she wants? Admitting you are depressed or suffer from anxiety makes you feel worse in your own eyes, let alone in others'. And you know, I just don't believe in all that stuff saying "don't care what others think". I think up to some point it is important. I mean, I care too much, it's obvious, but well, caring what others think may give you some feedback on your behaviour. Asking them what they think helps. Up to some point, of course (and I have exceeded it many times, but that's typical for me). 

And all those "20 things to be happy about". I know it really helps, when you feel low, but not in chronic depression (at least it doesn't work for me). I mean, life is really wonderful, I truly believe in that, and sometimes those little things did help me for a while, and that is something. But you know, sometimes it just sound so cheap... 

I want a life without fear, a life, where I have the energy to do the things.

OMG, I would do everything to let go of fear and anxiety and depression. To kill those bastards. Let these problems die.

Let's pray one day it will be fine. I wish of a day when I wake up and when I am not scared or anxious. It would be marvellous. 

Peace,

J.

Why I wanted this blog to be born

You know what? Sometimes when I was reading all this stuff about depression and anxiety I was feeling like I was disabled. It's so uncool. If you know what I mean. It's like you are really sick, mentally sick and I had those experiences, where people (my ex-boyfriend, A., especially, fuck u, honey) who learnt that I have such problems were running away from me or were joking, or just didn't know what to fucking do. A., it's time for a little reminiscence now of our wonderful friendship/affair. Shit, what an idiot, an asshole etc. Some time ago he noticed I have those problems and well, to be honest, it became all much worse because of him. A person who is suffering from anxiety and depression needs to feel he/she is safe. And all you were doing was keeping me fucking unsafe. It was a real hell, sometimes. As Sartre said, "L'enfer, c'est les autres". I remeber once you were joking about me, when I was pulling something out of my bag, you said: Xanax again?, OMG I wanted to kill you then (yes, it was Xanax, for the record, and it was because of you, cause you were playing with me and at the same time sleeping with your ex-girlfriend, WTF, man?!).
People sometimes bring you down, cause they are down themselves. That was your case, and well, I really cared, I wanted to make you happy, wanted to help you, so WTF did I get in return for that? 6 horrible months on my own request, mixed with sleepless nights, Xanax treatments, getting back to antidepressants and crying myself to dehydration.

Funny is that you feel stronger when you help other people. Even if you feel weak. I really cannot admit that I am weak, even if that is true, it's just something that won't come out of my mouth. I wanna be strong, and I'm fighting everyday to be stronger and learn something new.

And you know what else? I noticed that when you think about people mentally sick, you get this image of them so... I don't know. All I want to say is that: look, I find myself a beautiful and intelligent 25 year old girl, I speak 4 languages, study at one of the best business schools in Europe, and I AM SICK. Unfortunately I AM SICK. And there are only 2 people in the world that understand and love me for who I am - my wonderful mom and my best friend M.

And by this blog I wanna share my everyday life experience with depression and anxiety (and pulling out hair of stress as well, which is really sad). But I wanna keep it light and funny, in a way, I wanna fight these demons by that. I may sound pathetic sometimes, but well, I hope it helps me and maybe someone else too. I really don't wanna put here stuff like "smile, life is so wonderful", when you are depressed it's the last thing you wanna hear. I want to say: it will pass. The days when you cannot get out of bed pass. The days when all you want to do is sit on the floor p, but you feel so anxious about that, and that you are not doing anything, and all those vicious circles, I know it all. And there are days when it's gone. There were only a few moments in my life, when I felt FREE and careless, but I really wanna feel that again. And I want to do everything to find peace. Peace is all I need and all I wish for people like me.


So:
Peace!
J.

In Paris

So I'm in Paris. I think it's great, wow, people would kill to come and live here, oh oh oh, beautiful, love, peace, music, coffee, etc. and I'm in bed all the time. Anxiety's keeping it really hard lately. Shit, what a bad luck!
I feel so uneasy. I'd love to do so many things, go out for a run, drink coffee somewhere, go to the museum, but it seems just fucking impossible now. Shit shit shit, come on, Paris, one month, have to find an apartment for the next year, have to take care of all of the administrative stuff (I'm moving here soon), I have to go to the uni to get my student card and millions of other things, OMG, how am I going to do that? Well, probably at the last second I'll motivate myself with panic and everything will go fine. But for Christ's sake, why can't I do it like normal people?
Ok, so.

(Still in bed, pulling out my hair, did I mention I got trichotillomania as well?)

It's soooo sooooo boring and soooo soooo tiring. I'm really fed up with that stuff.
Anyways, I'm in Paris, and apart from that in bed all the time, it's fucking awesome.

Peace.
J.